Our "Scorpion" Visit

I was shopping at the mall Thursday evening for a very necessary holiday party outfit, when I got a call from Rodney.
"Do you want to be freaked out now or later?" Uh, now, please. Because then I'll just worry about what the heck it is!
"We have a scorpion in our kitchen."
OK.
I did not freak out, but I did ask pertinent questions: Is it alive or dead? "Alive." Is it contained? "Yes, in a Tupperware." (In one of my GOOD Tupperware containers, by the way, but I did not scold on this point because, after all, the scorpion was contained.) How big is it? "About 2 inches."
Hmm... two inches? It must be a baby, then. Scorpions get to be about 4 inches long or more. I'm sure Rodney knew this, since he has been to Iraq, Land of the Scorpion and Big Ugly Desert Things. My last words: Call the landlord and see what we need to do about an exterminator.
I found a lovely holiday outfit that can be worn at other times, as was my goal, and drove home. I walked in the door, Will talks non-stop about the scorpion that ran near Daddy's boot in the kitchen.
I find my GOOD Tupperware container and peer through the clear plastic to get an eyeful of UGLY. Whatever this is, it is NOT a scorpion. It is a giant ant with something white coming out of its rear end. Egg sac? Oh, God, that means MORE of these in my kitchen! Then I remember back when I was in high school, I worked at a pizza parlor just down the street and one morning I took out the trash to find two of these things dead outside. We called the county and when the guy came, he didn't know what they were, but he gathered them up and took them away. I never did find out what they were.
Putting two and two together, and the proximity of the two locations, I figured it had to be an insect (it WAS an insect - it had a head, abdomen and thorax, six legs and antennae - I knew science class would pay off sometime) that was native to the area. A very LARGE scorpion-colored insect. I understand why Rodney thought it was a scorpion, especially with the white thing at the end, but there were no pinchers and the white thing was not a stinger that curled over the back at any time. You'd think a guy who has been to Iraq twice would notice that, but I'll give him a break.
I called my friend Nan's husband Peter. He's a retired contractor who might have encountered something similiar. His response: "Sounds like a giant termite. That house is old. They are probably all over inside the walls." I'm paraphrasing, but that's all I remember before I did start to freak out. One of these suckers, I can handle; a houseful, no way.
I called my parents. Dad says it is a Jerusalem Cricket or a potato bug. It doesn't look like any cricket I have ever seen, but whatever. Do I need an exterminator? Will he come out at 8:30 p.m. on a Thursday? And why hasn't the landlord returned our message yet! Dad says I should call our family friend Rob, who is a local park ranger.
Dad left message for Rob. Got on the Internet and typed in Jerusalem Cricket. Lo and behold, that is the UGLY thing in my GOOD Tupperware in my kitchen. Also known as a potato bug. Nocturnal, subterraneous and indicative to this area. Biologists even come here to study them. As a matter of fact, two of the researches have email links. I email them my bug info. It doesn;t hurt to gather as much info as I can. i might need to make an educated decision later.
Rob calls back and confirms that I have an UGLY Jerusalem cricket. He assures me that they do not sting, are not poisonous, but can bit woth their big mandibles. He seems them dead quite often in the women's restroom at his park. No worries.
I read more about UGLY via the Internet: They usually are found alone or in very small groups (so, there! Peter!) they eat live and dead plant matter (not blonde 30-year-olds or 8-month-old babies), hatch in the spring, become adults by the fall and make good pets. Make good pets! Yeeech!
The landlord called and she is happy to hear it is not a scorpion and we're all OK.
One of the researchers emails me back: The white thing is a parasite exiting the bug and it will die soon. Oh, yuck! Poor thing ... what a way to go.
Will wants to take the bug to preschool for show and tell - but only if I put it in a jar and TAPE IT SHUT so he can't jump out. Ok...
Dad wants to see it, too, so he'll check it out when he picks the boys up from preschool the next day. OK, fine, you can have it and I don't want to know what you do with it.
So Rodney takes the bug out of my GOOD Tupperware the next morning and puts it in a jar. I tape it shut, and being the scrapbooker I am, I take some pictures of Will holding it. The bug goes to preschool and I thought it fair to warn the teacher before I just handed her a jar filled with UGLY bug. To my surprise, she was truly thrilled to have it. I guess a former teacher would find them once in a while in her garden and bring them in for the kids to see. They hadn't had a visiting UGLY bug for a couple of years. Ok ... good - and here is a info sheet I printed off the Internet for you - enjoy the bug.
I get to work and check my email. The second researcher lives less than a mile from me and would like the bug for his research photography. He's a biology professor at a local community college. Sure, I'll contribute to science. Call dad to let him know I will be picking the bug up from his house that evening to hand over to the bug guy. Call Rodney for the humor - he doesn't find it overly funny. Call Mom and she gets a good laugh.
At 6:15 p.m., I drop the bug of to the bug guy in the Baskin Robbins parking lot. He's thrilled. The white thing is now pretty brown and the bug is barely alive. Bug guy tells me that the white thing is not a parasite, but the bug's intestines - he was probably smashed (Rodney assures me he did not smash the bug. The smashing must have occurred in his pre-kitchen days). I chat with him for a few moments. Highlights: For years they thought there were only 5 species of these - turns out there are over 200. There is also no history on why it is called a Jerusalem Cricket. It is a cricket and it is assumed that these things were discovered back when "Jumpin' Jerusalem" was a common swear phrase (like, Oh, crap!) and, when you happened upon one of these UGLY bugs, that's what you said first. Makes sense to me - I'll buy into that.
So, for 24 hours, my life was all about an UGLY bug that was not a scorpion, but managed to thrill both adults and children with its sheer oddity. Oh, and did I mention that it was UGLY?